The Kjaorn Supremacy

Hey! Give me my privacy back, bro...

I'm about to fuck you up with some truth. Nobody gives a shit about you. Sorry, it's sad but true. Nobody cares that your favorite quote is some dumb shit from Anchorman. Guess what else? Nobody cares that you thought Tropic Thunder was effin' hillarious. P.S. That movie is not funny. It's fucking stupid. I know what you're thinking, but Tom Cruise was like all fat and dancing and stuff. Nope. Still dumb. Guess what else? Nobody gives a shit that you totally adore scrap booking. You listen to The Novemberists. Sweet. Nobody cares. You went to Cancun for Spring break and did some beer bongs? Awesome. You just became a fan of Goose Shits? Uh, ok. Titties. You found an abandoned penguin? Fuck yer face. Nobody cares.

You know who really doesn't care? Mark Zuckerberg. You know why? Because he's a 25 year-old bro that is worth 4 billion dollars. You know what Mark Zuckerberg is doing right now? A line of coke off of some super hot stripper's labia. You know what he's going to do after that? He's going to take a huge bong ripper out of his diamond encrusted golden bong. Know what he's gonna do after that? He's going to invite over some supermodels for a gang bang, and Hot Carl 'em when they crash out on his Siberian Tiger skin rug just 'cause he fuckin' can and he thinks that shit is hilarious. He's worth 4 fucking billion dollars. He can do whatever he wants, and I can assure you he's not creeping on your stupid Facebook messages about the frat party you got drunk at and blew 4 bros. Don't worry - nobody's ever going to know. Well, except Jesus. Well, and maybe Santa Clause. He knows fucking everything. Fat prick. Matter of fact, that's who we need to be worrying about. Fucking creeper Clause. He's probably sitting on the toilet right now rubbing one out while he's watching you sitting on the toilet rubbing one out while you're reading my dumb blog. Sick, sick fucks. Both of you.

What's the big conspiracy theory anyways? Facebook is going to sell everybody's super interesting profile info to marketers/advertisers. Guess what? I'm an advertiser guy, and I don't give a shit that you heart Glee and have yer girlfriends over every Tuesday and pop popcorn in yer p.j.'s and giggle yer titties off 'cause it's like the hottest shit on television.

It's all entirely laughable, and you know what? What if Facebook does give up everybody's info to some 3rd Party shitbirds? What can they do with this garbage? There are 500 million people on Facebook. 500 fucking million. You couldn't possibly be more anonymous than 1 in 500,000,000. 8 zeros kids. Fuckin' 8 of 'em.

Don't be a dumb shit. Don't put yer Social Security number on your Facebook and you'll be straight. I promise you. Hope you can sleep at night now. If not, come on over and we can build a blanket fort and have a tickle fight. Maybe mom will make us some hot chocolates. The kind with the darling little marshmallows. Mmmm. Tasty. Mallows.

Peace. Love. And Seahorses 4 mutha lickin' eva!!!

Sorry for all the eff bombs, ma.

Love you.

Fighting back...

And my response:

Dear Mary,

I'm responding to an email I received from your husband about your apartment for rent. He said you would be able to attend to me better. I would love to see some pictures of the place if at all possible. I'd also like to see a picture or two of you if at all possible, Mary (So I know who I'm dealing with, of course. I won't pleasure myself to it. You see, I'm a kind and honest man and wouldn't even think of such things)?

The other thing I was curious about was the price. You see, $500 seems a little steep. Is there any way we can work something else out. I consider myself a master in the art of sensual message, and none of that crap you find on craigslist. Those people are fucking amateurs compared to me. This is something I take very seriously, and if you do not achieve "release" I am not satisfied. As a matter of fact, I even have this saying, a credo if you will: If you don't cum, you can kick me in the bum. Get it? Get it? That's a god damned guarantee! Admittedly it could use a little work, but I'm no wordsmith. My rates are $200/session, and with 1 session per week you would owe me a modest $300/month.

I was also curious if you would mind me conducting my business from the residence? I am extremely discreet and would only ask that I could hang my 60" x 60" neon "Pleasure Paradise" business sign from the front of the house. I can assure that it is extremely classy and would not be a distraction to the neighbors.

You got something I want, and I got something you want. Let's talk shop. Can't wait to hear from you.

Thanks bunches,

Jake

People are morans...

Not you kids. You kids are smart. And handsome/pretty. I like you guys and gals. I also like your butts, wimps. Call me sometime? Please? Puh-leeze?

I'm not a political blogger, and actually have little interest in politics in general, so I try and stay away. I'm much more interested in stuff like pretty girls, chugging hella Dews and getting totally extreme, tacos and the like. The truth is, I blog for the kids, man. The kids. Yeah. But sometimes I gotta vent a bit. Ya know? Get some stuff off of my hairy man tits, well hairless man tits in my case, unfortunately.

About half, if not more of the population is tripping out on the new Health Care Bill (especially here in ol' Utah), and I'm not going to open up that can of worms; Although, I do wish people would actually read the bill before they started spouting off about it. Rather, Imma take it back to the basics. Yeah, the fundamentals, if you will. 1+1=2 kinda ish.

Folks from sea to shinin' sea are gettin' all fired up and are all like, "Hey! I didn't vote fer no gosh darned frickin' health care reforms. It's Un-American! Un-American, I tell ya! God damned pinko, commie, Fascist liberal punks!" Well, kids, it's not, Un-American that is, so take your medicine and shut your fat corn-fed pie holes, or at the very least, get a book, learn about it and then spout your silliness. This is America at it's finest. This is why we voted in Mr. Obama. Change, and stuff.

America is in fact a Democracy, of sorts, but don't get it twisted - it is NOT a Direct or Pure Democracy, but rather a Representative Democracy, and even more accurately - a Constitutional Republic. You should know this. Learn about it.

While we're at it, we might as well learn about the inherent differences in the ideologies of Communism and Socialism.

Now when mommy asks you what you learned today, you can dazzle the bejesus outta her. You might even get an Otter Pop after dinner.

Go USA. Love you.

KICK-ASS...

Have I been living in a cave? Not sure how I haven't seen this trailer yet, but this flick looks pretty, well, kick ass. Peep the trailers:

Droppin' Knowledge

My life is cutting onions, making dinner, music playing, a bottle of wine on the counter. A beautiful woman to my side. Sell me a better mousetrap. Sell me sliced bread. Show me a better lifestyle. Sell me a better lifestyle and you've sold me on love. Give me something that can make my experience better than it is and I'll probably buy from you. Inspire me. Show me how it will be better. How it can be better. Share. Tell the story you want me to hear for your brand.

*Received these beautiful words of wisdom this morning from my main man Craig Armstrong. He's really smart. And handsome. And radical, and stuff. Love you Craig.

GET YOUR TICKETS FOR THE RIOTS OF SPRING

This is going down in a week, kids. Cop those tickets before they're sold up. Do it.

The birds are a singin' and the flowers are a bloomin' folks. Spring is just about upon us, and in their second bout of this young season our Emerald City's finest will be lacing 'em up once again for the Riots of Spring.

The young and zealous bunch that is the Church of Sk8in will be mixin' it up with the accomplished and always captivating Flat Track Furies in a face-off that is sure to swell your dopamine levels. The delicious Ninkasi brews will assist in gettin' those lobes poppin' off as well. Be sure to watch for Sk8in star Pow Wow to dawn the jammer cap and put some big points on the board. For the Furies, look for veteran jammer Darrah-lict to gracefully spring through the pack and make some big points of her own. This bout will be a cat fight till the last whistle. Believe it.

In the headliner Emerald City's 2009 League Champion Andromedolls will lock horns with Idaho's own Treasure Valley Roller Girls in a blitzkrieg for bragging rights. Look for the Dolls to control the pack while star jammers Bullet Brains and crowd favorite Sirius Smack overwhelm the Boise girl's defense. Don't sleep on those potato fed mamas from Idaho though, they'll be looking to raise pulses in this one, so keep your eyes glued.

Scantily clad mamas. Beers. Tunes. Nuf said. Go buy some tickets, dummy. Lot of 'em.

It's all goin' down Saturday March 27th @ 6, so get those calenders marked.

I love you

Ken Block Gettin' Rad In The New Whip

Dear People of Park City...

This is what a crosswalk looks like:

I'm not sure where this one is, or who those long-hairs are, but you get the idea. Notice how nobody is trying to run them over?

Let me drop a little crosswalk knowledge on ya. They're there to allow pedestrians safe passage across the road. When you see a pedestrian in the crosswalk you are supposed to stop and let them cross. That's it. It's super easy, and I think even you fucktards can handle it.

Get it together because if you end up running me over on my way to grab a coffee I'm going to pull you out of your car and choke the shit out of you, and I'll probably get my boy Ringo to help me. As you can see from his swagger - he fucking loves crosswalks too.

Thanks for reading.

Love always,

Jake

Combined Shipping...

Back in November many of the good folks here at Backcountry.com were working on growing some wicked good beards, and the ladies - some rad pit hair. Yep, just rollin' around like they had Chewbacca in a head lock. Sexy, I know. We're pretty hardcore around here.

But in November we also rolled-out combined shipping on our ODAT (one deal at a time) sites. The details can be found HERE.

Since making this change we have saved upwards of 60,000 boxes! 60,000! I'm not sure how many trees that is, but it's significant. Guessing that also contributed to a significant decrease in trucks we put on the great American highways and biways. Polar bears are so fucking pumped on us right now!

It's also been good for business, which ultimately is what the suits love. Win. Win.

I love you.

A Bathing Ape...

These sneakers cost 212 duckets. Yeah. TWO HUNDRED AND TWELVE DOLLARS.

BAPE is probably one of the more respected street wear brands (not sure by whom) and definitely one of the more spendy. I don't fucking get it. Shit is terrible looking. For my money I'll roll with the $30 Chuck's over these any day. Uh, and twice on Sunday. Fuckin' twice. Ridiculous. Next time I see somebody rollin' in the BAPE's I'm gonna try my damnedest to scuff the shit out of 'em. That's right, fuck yo' BAPE's son!

Hunter S. Thompson awesomeness...

Don't fuck with Hunter S. Seriously. You betta check yo' self, befo' you wreck yo' self! Mr. Thompson will fucking ruin you! He writes. Books and stuff. Articles and shit, too. Come to think of it, don't fuck with me either cause I fucking write stuff as well, and I will not hesitate to ruin your stupid, pig fucking, yella, candy ass! That's right. Yeah.

What would you do if you had eight days to live?

Dig the tunes. Dig the concept. These bros go pretty effin' big, although I think I could have quite a bit more fun with 30g's. They didn't even make it rain. What? Then again, I'm a fucking party animal. Duh.

MAKE THE GIRL DANCE [KILL ME] (official video)
by placeblancherec

Love you.

Vice Guide to Liberia 1 of 8

VBS.tv has been producing some amazing work as of late, and this series is sure to follow that trend. I'm predicting a Pulitzer for this work. Believe it. Wow, shit is raw.

On a related note, if you have yet to read "A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier" I would recommend doing so fucking stat. One of the best books I have read to date. Do it.

I love you.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!

My head just exploded. Be careful kids. The amount of awesomeness you are about to experience is not healthy.

The dudes are Rad Omen. The video is Rad Anthem. The site is http://radomen.com/

Prepare for awesome. You're welcome.

RAD OMEN - "Rad Anthem" from Nicholaus Goossen on Vimeo.

Powder & Rails w/ Noah Salasnek

Making Customer Service Fun

Working at Backcountry.com I see my fair share of customer complaints, suggestions and the like, but fortunately I do get to see a great deal of praise as well.

The following is a blog post from a satisfied customer:

I have debated writing a post about a recent customer service experience for a while because I selfishly don’t want too many people to know about this particular site, but since this blog’s readership averages about 2.7 people per day (less, if my mother has a really full day planned) and because I’m STILL chuckling over this incident two weeks later, I figured it was a decent tradeoff.

Steep and Cheap is the company. It is part of the BackCountry family,  a bunch of sites catering to different outdoor recreation niches, and it’s a great one to keep up in the background if you’re stuck at a computer for a good chunk of the day. They have a pretty simple concept:

At Steep and Cheap, we sell premium, core outdoor gear and clothing at prices that are downright criminal.

Here’s how it works:

• Steep and Cheap sells one screamin’ deal at a time until it’s gone.
• The deals are fat, so they sell out fast.
• You have to act fast or you’ll miss it, but don’t stress—as soon as one deal sells out, we kick off another.
• It’s back-to-back deals all day long.

So. A few weeks ago my husband snagged a really nice dark red Outdoor Research jacket on Steep and Cheap for $30.  When he got to the checkout, he found they had added a combined shipping feature to their site, giving you the option to have them hold your order in case you want to add something in the next few days. Since we were hoping to find a similar deal on a jacket for me and he didn’t need his jacket immediately, we went ahead and did that.

Unfortunately, somehow he overclicked and two jackets showed up in the final confirmation. When he contacted Steep and Cheap to correct the number of jackets to be sent, they did so but also accidentally deleted the “hold” status, triggering immediate shipment. Since we hadn’t yet found a jacket for me it wasn’t really a big deal right then, but of course a couple of days later an irresistibly cute Arc’teryx jacket came up for a lovely price. After I placed my order, I sent their customer service folks a mail telling them how much we loved their site and asking for the shipping to be adjusted to reflect our original wish to combine shipping. I fully expected for them do graciously do so, but was absolutely not expecting the response I received:

Hi Andrea,

Thanks for contacting us at Steepandcheap.com.  We love you, too. We would marry you if you weren’t already married. And we weren’t a company, but rather a young shy boy lost in the throes of love, yea, a misty-eyed dreamer looking towards the future, still unscathed and unpolluted by the hardships of mid-adulthood. We would ask your housemaid to deliver white flowers to you, with an anonymous note that read “Heaven nor hell could provide me the joy and pain your approval or lack thereof might impose upon me.” Then, that very night at midnight we’d stand outside your window playing a love sonnet on the violin–a heartfelt ribbon of swaying notes and flittering string plucks. You could get out of bed and come to the balcony to listen. Instead of saying anything, you might drop a single white handkerchief slightly soaked with your tears.

But none of that could ever happen, so instead I just gave you a full refund on your shipping costs. I think it was like 8 bucks. Thanks for the love.

Attached to the end of that response was a link asking me to rate the service I received. I think I may have said something in the comments section about not having a problem with ditching my husband and marrying them instead.

Now, I have no idea if that response was something they have canned and are empowered to throw into a reply if they feel it’s appropriate or if this particular rep was just having a slow morning and a creative urge. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is that they got a fan for life by simply adding a little bit of fun to a response that really only needed to be, “Thank you for your request, Andrea, we have adjusted the shipping fee to reflect a combined shipping order. We look forward to serving you in the future.” They probably also gained a customer who would be willing to pay a little bit extra at Steep and Cheap rather than try to save a few bucks on another site, just to support the company.

Seems like a great way to do business and probably a great place to work, don’t you think?

The original post can be found here: Making Customer Service Fun--What a Concept!

The McKenzie gets PWNNNED!

I've played sports since I could crawl. All of 'em. These days I lean toward the action or extreme sports variety. Why? Beating, dominating other people, humans, it's too easy. How many times can I take some hooper to the rack and be all like, "I broke ya ankles!"? I mean, it's fun but I feel like a broken record sometimes. These days I need to dominate a landscape--a whole fucking eco-system. Sunday I took on the majestic McKenzie River with a couple of my compadres. I think the pictures tell the story. You be the judge.

Droppin' in. Focused.


Killin' it. The river is at my mercy.


Piece of cake. Didn't even break a sweat.


Nice try McKenzie. Really good effort. Keep your chin up. Maybe next time?

I'm going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali!

I've been distant. I'm sorry. Oh, come on? Don't do that. I'm sorry. Sincerely. What can I do? Please? What can I do? Just tell me. It's not you. It's not. It's me. I'm not just saying that.

For real though, I suck at blogging. Haven't updated in a minute, so here ya go.

I've been a real busy boy. I swear. Working way too much. I've just about had it with the man. Making pretty houses for rich people. Hating every second of it, well not quite, but almost. Being reminded everyday why I went back to school. Wishing that would start paying dividends soon. Real soon. Got student loans to pay. Lots of loans. The dream is still alive, but in the meantime--a brother's gotta eat.

It hasn't been all bad. I have a little fun here and there. Last weekend I took a little trip down to Eureka, Ca. with my favorite girls in the whole world--the Emerald City Roller Girls--who took on the Redwood Rollers. Here's some pics from the trip:

Me being really cool, again. This was a vista point somewhere between Crescent City and Eureka. Beautiful. After leaving this spot I asked my fellow travelers, "What if the Govinator changed all the vista points to hasta la vista points?" Crickets ensued.

Serious Smack aka Your Mom aka Suzy Ninja Pants and most recently Serious Cliffhanger acclimating to Eureka quite nicely. Pretty much a seamless transition.

The Skatesaphrenics huddling up. This is moments before they gave the Redwood Rollers the beating of their lives. With this bout they finished up the season a perfect 5-0. Very proud.

Lamp Lumps pourin' some delicious Ninkasi for the homies @ the pre-after party. Gangster ish.

Trinidad Beach. Prolly the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. The iPhone camera doesn't do this place any justice. Really. Check it out if you're in the neighborhood. Trails, surfing, tidepools, etc... Two thumbs up.

Ma lady and I at the beach. No, you can't have her.

Couple of Ochre Sea Stars making sweet love, or maybe they're just cuddling? A bunch of anenomes, and a lone chiton. Love the tidepool! Nature, buddy!

A cute little Lined Shore Crab.

All in all, it was an amazing trip. Some camping in the Redwoods, a little roller derby, the after-party, the beach, amazing company... Good times. Good times.

I love you.

The Truth

This just in: Aaron Draplin of the DDC is going to be staring in a documentary. Oh yes, this thing is going to be an absolute must see.

Check out the trailer here: "The Draplin Thing"

I fucking love this guy's stuff. Real pumped.

Dear Asshole who stole my snowboard,

You are a sneaky fucking dirtbag. I was in the lodge for less than a minute, and when I came out my board was long gone, as were you. You're very lucky that I wasn't able to chase you down, because I would have choked the life out of your punk ass.

How do you sleep at night? I had to work my ass off for an entire summer pounding nails for a big fat asshole in order to afford that beautiful shredd stick. It wouldn't be so bad if I could afford to replace it, but I'm a full-time student, and shelling out $800 right now to replace it isn't really an option.

I am consoled by the fact that someday you will get caught, and I hope that when you do you are sentenced to no less than a good couple of months in the big house with a big horny sadistic ass raper.

Get bent,

Jake