The Kjaorn Supremacy

My Gift To You, World

PUSH PLAY! DO IT! Let's set the mood, friends. Let's make it sexy. Kick off yer shoes. Take off that blouse. Dim the lights if you'd like...

 

Only moments ago, after lovingingly cleansing my body (with extra special attention paid to my genital region, and more specifically, my penis) I stepped out of the shower, dripping wet and reaching for a towel WHEN in my periphery I caught a glimpse of what many, if not most, would consider to be the best looking man of all-time. OF ALL TIME! I was looking in the mirror, ya'll. It was me. 

Anyways, that's ONLY HALF of my revealing revelation of revelous revelry. I have no idea what that means. So, after briefly getting lost in my own eyes, I, as per usual, gave my mustachio a quick part when I realized that it's basically a ribbon, or a bow, a fucking bow, if you will? that you grow on your face. It's gift wrap for your god damned face! What I'm trying to say is, simply, and in essence, that my face is basically like a present to all of mankind. A neatly groomed, drop-dead handsome present for the whole wide fucking world. 

Do I consider myself a philanthropist of sorts, well - yes. Absolutely. It's a lot of work, kiddos. But the smiles I put on yer faces time and time again make it all worth the while.

Enjoy it, errybody. Enjoy it hard. And 4eva.

That's all.

I love you.

Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce...

Today I sent my stuff off to Goodby, which triggered a response email which asked:

If you had an opportunity to create/start whatever you wanted and were given 1 million dollars and 6 months what would this thing be and how would you go about making it happen?

This is what came out. Pretty sure they'll think I'm a lunatic, but it was pretty fun.

I'd buy a little farm. I'd grow hella tasty veggies, like tomatoes and onions and habaneros and cilantro and garlic, and other secret ingredients that aren't really any of your business. And with those veggies I'd make the greatest salsa the world has ever tasted. Ever. And I would call it "Jake's Super Awesome Sauce." Or, "Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce." Or something like that. Hella. I probably need to work on the name. I'd bottle it up proper, and sell it from my salsa truck, to start. It would be just like an ice cream truck, but it would play something spicy and awesome - just like my salsa. It would probably play salsa music, in fact, but like salsa music remixed by Tiesto 'cause even his name sounds pretty spicy. And the kids would all come a runnin' when they heard it and I would sell 'em the salsas, which would come with free high-5's. They'd call me Papa Jacobeo. And I'd grow a big, majestic mustache just like Jason Schwartzman's in the Darjeeling Limited. And then I'd figure out a way to put it on a stick, the salsa, not the stache, because everybody's always getting super stoked on stuff that comes on sticks. It wouldn't be long before I had the entire salsa market cornered. And I'd have like 7 or 8 salsa trucks or something. And even Pace Picante Sauce wouldn't know what hit 'em, and they'd be all like, "Mother fucker!" 'Cause my sauce was sooo much better than theirs. And then with my profits I would build a super bitchin' tree house, and live in it for the rest of my days with my wife, Zooey Deschanel, whom I would seduce with my super awesome sauce and mustache. Duh. And then we would have bunches of babies to help make the salsas and drive the trucks, and stuff. Unless, of course, they wanted to pursue their own dreams, like being professional Marine Biologists, or something - because in that case Zooey and I would be mad supportive 'cause we're just pretty cool like that. And we'd just be as happy as clams for 4-eva and eva. Or something like that. And I might just do that anyways, if this whole copywriting thing doesn't pan out. I love you.

Sorry hipsters...

But you've lost your favorite mode of transport/favorite fashion accessory to the masses.

That's right. Your favorite big box stores have started slangin' fixies. And you hoped the bleeding would stop with the hijack of the keffiyeh and Kayne shades. Sorry, kids. And all up in Walmart. Cold. Urban Outfitters is getting into the fixie game too. Haha.

I don't know? Maybe you can bring back the PogoBall or something? That seems pretty alt? Just bounce around bumpin' Animal Collective and ish.

I've never been a fan of fixies. Not only because of their lack of functionality, but because of the assholes who ride them. Don't get me wrong, I have a couple friends who role fixies and those kids are cool, but for the most part when I think fixed gear I in turn think of this guy:

Guaranteed this shit bird rolls a fixie. Guaran-fuckin'-teed. Fuck it, Rob Heppler said it better. Peep the vid:

SENDING IT

So much carnage. Love it.

Mind the gap.

Hunter S. Thompson awesomeness...

Don't fuck with Hunter S. Seriously. You betta check yo' self, befo' you wreck yo' self! Mr. Thompson will fucking ruin you! He writes. Books and stuff. Articles and shit, too. Come to think of it, don't fuck with me either cause I fucking write stuff as well, and I will not hesitate to ruin your stupid, pig fucking, yella, candy ass! That's right. Yeah.

What would you do if you had eight days to live?

Dig the tunes. Dig the concept. These bros go pretty effin' big, although I think I could have quite a bit more fun with 30g's. They didn't even make it rain. What? Then again, I'm a fucking party animal. Duh.

MAKE THE GIRL DANCE [KILL ME] (official video)
by placeblancherec

Love you.

Scattered Aesthetics...

I'm feelin' this mission statement:

OUR MOTIVE:

We are not one thing. We are everything. We're the masses and the opened minded. Our bodies in many respects have been despoiled. We're a million little pieces and we're giving ourselves to you. This is all practice for something bigger. We're constantly rollin' with the punches and jivin' at bars and parties. Like most people, we're the seekers, the movers, the malcontent, and at times we're also stupid hell-raisers. We are those you meet that can change you, sometimes so profoundly that we're not the same afterward. We are the Periodical Erotic Frenzy©, The porn hidden under your mattress. We're what your brain lusts for when its not inspired. We're the lounge lizards in the back of the bar or the party crew all up in your face. We are the mad. We are the right words to tickle your fancy. We are the eye fuck and the insightful youth. We are the wolf's teeth, and the sheep's lips. We are dreamers of the day and we aren't afraid to dream with our eyes open. We are the morbid. The crude. The funny. The tomboys. The nerds. The pot heads. The steez hunters. The movie quoters. The music seekers. And everything else in between. We are SCATTERED AESTHETICS© and we’re just warming up.

Peep the site here: Scattered Aesthetics

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST!

My head just exploded. Be careful kids. The amount of awesomeness you are about to experience is not healthy.

The dudes are Rad Omen. The video is Rad Anthem. The site is http://radomen.com/

Prepare for awesome. You're welcome.

RAD OMEN - "Rad Anthem" from Nicholaus Goossen on Vimeo.

Top 5: In The Snow

1. It. I've never actually made sweet, sweet love in the snow, but it is typically the funnest thing to do in most situations.

2. Snowboarding. Duh.

3. Getting sideways in the whip. Can't hardly beat doing cookies in a snow covered parking lot.

4. Sledding. Multiply the fun with a sixer of your finest local brews. Ninkasi really needs to get a brewery down here in the SLC. Winter, make it happen!

5. Snow ball fight. I love a good snow ball fight. Watch out for your boy. My cannon is comparable to Raul Mondesi in his prime. Believe it.

Honorable Mention: Build an igloo. Haven't done this yet. Want to fuckin' bad!

So friends, come on over. We can make most of this list happen in a day. If you don't want to do it in my igloo, that's cool I guess, but say you'll consider it? Say it...

Love you.

Crazy Carpenters...

As a former construction worker I find these to be pretty funny. There's been a few times I wish I would've had a camera on the job site to capture my displays of awesomeness. I got a few tricks up my sleeve, believe it.

Tape Measure Awesomeness:

Big Steve:


Love you.

I Just Want My Childhood Back

I want this tee shirt. Well, and my childhood back.

The McKenzie gets PWNNNED!

I've played sports since I could crawl. All of 'em. These days I lean toward the action or extreme sports variety. Why? Beating, dominating other people, humans, it's too easy. How many times can I take some hooper to the rack and be all like, "I broke ya ankles!"? I mean, it's fun but I feel like a broken record sometimes. These days I need to dominate a landscape--a whole fucking eco-system. Sunday I took on the majestic McKenzie River with a couple of my compadres. I think the pictures tell the story. You be the judge.

Droppin' in. Focused.


Killin' it. The river is at my mercy.


Piece of cake. Didn't even break a sweat.


Nice try McKenzie. Really good effort. Keep your chin up. Maybe next time?

I'm going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali!

I've been distant. I'm sorry. Oh, come on? Don't do that. I'm sorry. Sincerely. What can I do? Please? What can I do? Just tell me. It's not you. It's not. It's me. I'm not just saying that.

For real though, I suck at blogging. Haven't updated in a minute, so here ya go.

I've been a real busy boy. I swear. Working way too much. I've just about had it with the man. Making pretty houses for rich people. Hating every second of it, well not quite, but almost. Being reminded everyday why I went back to school. Wishing that would start paying dividends soon. Real soon. Got student loans to pay. Lots of loans. The dream is still alive, but in the meantime--a brother's gotta eat.

It hasn't been all bad. I have a little fun here and there. Last weekend I took a little trip down to Eureka, Ca. with my favorite girls in the whole world--the Emerald City Roller Girls--who took on the Redwood Rollers. Here's some pics from the trip:

Me being really cool, again. This was a vista point somewhere between Crescent City and Eureka. Beautiful. After leaving this spot I asked my fellow travelers, "What if the Govinator changed all the vista points to hasta la vista points?" Crickets ensued.

Serious Smack aka Your Mom aka Suzy Ninja Pants and most recently Serious Cliffhanger acclimating to Eureka quite nicely. Pretty much a seamless transition.

The Skatesaphrenics huddling up. This is moments before they gave the Redwood Rollers the beating of their lives. With this bout they finished up the season a perfect 5-0. Very proud.

Lamp Lumps pourin' some delicious Ninkasi for the homies @ the pre-after party. Gangster ish.

Trinidad Beach. Prolly the most beautiful beach I have ever seen. The iPhone camera doesn't do this place any justice. Really. Check it out if you're in the neighborhood. Trails, surfing, tidepools, etc... Two thumbs up.

Ma lady and I at the beach. No, you can't have her.

Couple of Ochre Sea Stars making sweet love, or maybe they're just cuddling? A bunch of anenomes, and a lone chiton. Love the tidepool! Nature, buddy!

A cute little Lined Shore Crab.

All in all, it was an amazing trip. Some camping in the Redwoods, a little roller derby, the after-party, the beach, amazing company... Good times. Good times.

I love you.

Top 5 Moustaches of All-Time

Fuck, shit, cock, ass, bitch, piss, tits, Bob Saget. . . God dammit I wish I could grow a sweet stache. These are my top 5 staches of all-time. I know some of these are rather obvious, but the beauty of these moustaches cannot be denied.

5. Steve Prefontaine
4. Burt Reynolds
3. Rollie Fingers
2. Tom Selek
1. Jason Schwartzman (The Darjeeling Limited)

Yes Mr. Selek, you have been dethroned. You had a good run. A solid 20 years of stache dominance. Mad props sir. Sorry.

Just watched The Darjeeling Limited and it was pretty good. Most definitely required viewing. Jason Schwartzman's moustache was gorgeous. Words cannot describe how beautiful his stache was in this flick. Fucking epic stache. If I could grow a stache half as good, I would rule the world. Say what you will about moustaches, but the fact of the matter is they make panties drop like two beers and a vicodin.

This is what I would look like if I was capable of producing a significant amount of testosterone:

Compliments of Pet Moustache.