The Kjaorn Supremacy

New Portfolio Cover

 BOOM! 

It's hard out hurr 4 a pimp, mang...

I've been relentlessly searching for a writing gig since the conclusion of my internship at 72andSunny last July. I'm fairly certain that I've sent my stuff out to every agency on the planet. While I have had a handful of interviews and found myself on a couple of people's shortlists, or so they've said - I've yet to land a gig. Most days I'm entirely convinced that I'm the worst fucking copywriter in the whole wide world and consider giving it up all together. But I LOVE this shit. I really do. Writing the copy. Solving the problems. Strategizin' and all that good stuff. I dig all of it. I really do. I keep on truckin'. Hard.

The other day I sent my stuff off to a CD at a rad little shop in SLC. This is the email I got back:

Jake,

Thanks for the email. Knowing that there is still one young good copywriter out there makes me feel less dead inside. I may not even go thru with plans to kill myself later today. (Okay -- truthfully, I made a promise to myself a few weeks ago that I wouldn't kill myself untill AFTER I'd killed every single person responsible for the giant pile of dogshit that were this year's Super Bowl ads. Seriously -- WTF?) 

But I digress. If I had a position open here, you would be on a plane right this second to visit us, drink profusely, and then sign your name in blood. With that in mind, I'd invite you to do two things: 1) Keep me posted on your job hunt. 2) Drop by our offices if/when you're back in town. If/when some freelance comes up, I'd be more than willing to give you a shot -- although I don't know what "more than willing" really means. So let's just say willing.

It was nice to hear. I know that my stuff is a little different, and it's not going to appeal to everybody, but it's nice to be reminded that there's at least a couple of folks out there that dig my style. For awhile longer I'll refrain from creating a Bose Noise Canceling Headphones print campaign...

Groupon x Mel Gibson

Dear Groupon,

I caught your Super Bowl ads yesterday, and BOY WERE THEY AWESOME! Your disregard for human rights, freedom and life in general was amazingly refreshing. And the way you were all like, "Fuck whales!" was soo hardcore. Being a bit of an ad guy myself, I was all like, "FUCK! I wish I wrote these ads! They're god damned groundbreaking!"

What I'm trying to say is, simply, I am your fucking SUPER FAN! And being the go-getter that I am, I wanted to write your next ad. Yeah. Truly. Maybe this can be next years Super Bowl commercial? Who knows?

Here goes...

OPEN on wide shot of beautiful African landscape. There's probably lions and some other super rad African stuff.

VO: Beautiful. Majestic. Africa. (Maybe you can have the golden-voiced bum do it? He's so hot right now.)

ZOOM to war torn African village. There's kids. Skinny ones, 'cause they're starving and sick.

CUT to close-up of child attempting to drink from a puddle.

VO: This is Mel Gibson. Pathetic, isn't it? Africa, it's a beautiful place, but let's be honest - it's a fucking shit show.

CUT to close-up of Mel Gibon's face.

MEL: AIDS. Hippopotamuses. Civil Wars galore. And maybe one of the greatest concerns of modern times, the grievous scarcity of clean drinking water.

ZOOM out to shot of Mel Gibson with tittays out and in some boardshorts. He's at a water park and standing above a huge water slide.

MEL: Luckily for us, we don't live on that god forsaken continent, and our waters flow clear, clean and crisp! No Cholera here, kids! And because 200 of us bought at Groupon.com we're getting a 50 dollar water park ticket for only 15 bucks here at Raging Water in Sacramento! 15 BUCKS!

MEL then dives head first onto the slide and screams: FUCK AFRICA!

TITLE: Save the money.

VO: Save the money...

TITLE: Groupon.com

What do you think? Great right? That's for you. Yeah. You're welcome.

Seriously though, I appreciate that you were trying to do something different. I really do. But you missed the mark, and the vast majority of people who saw these commercials didn't get "it." They don't want an explanation of why it was such a brilliant concept, it wasn't by the way, they want an apology. Take your medicine. Tell us you'll do better next time. Man up. Say you're sorry.

Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce...

Today I sent my stuff off to Goodby, which triggered a response email which asked:

If you had an opportunity to create/start whatever you wanted and were given 1 million dollars and 6 months what would this thing be and how would you go about making it happen?

This is what came out. Pretty sure they'll think I'm a lunatic, but it was pretty fun.

I'd buy a little farm. I'd grow hella tasty veggies, like tomatoes and onions and habaneros and cilantro and garlic, and other secret ingredients that aren't really any of your business. And with those veggies I'd make the greatest salsa the world has ever tasted. Ever. And I would call it "Jake's Super Awesome Sauce." Or, "Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce." Or something like that. Hella. I probably need to work on the name. I'd bottle it up proper, and sell it from my salsa truck, to start. It would be just like an ice cream truck, but it would play something spicy and awesome - just like my salsa. It would probably play salsa music, in fact, but like salsa music remixed by Tiesto 'cause even his name sounds pretty spicy. And the kids would all come a runnin' when they heard it and I would sell 'em the salsas, which would come with free high-5's. They'd call me Papa Jacobeo. And I'd grow a big, majestic mustache just like Jason Schwartzman's in the Darjeeling Limited. And then I'd figure out a way to put it on a stick, the salsa, not the stache, because everybody's always getting super stoked on stuff that comes on sticks. It wouldn't be long before I had the entire salsa market cornered. And I'd have like 7 or 8 salsa trucks or something. And even Pace Picante Sauce wouldn't know what hit 'em, and they'd be all like, "Mother fucker!" 'Cause my sauce was sooo much better than theirs. And then with my profits I would build a super bitchin' tree house, and live in it for the rest of my days with my wife, Zooey Deschanel, whom I would seduce with my super awesome sauce and mustache. Duh. And then we would have bunches of babies to help make the salsas and drive the trucks, and stuff. Unless, of course, they wanted to pursue their own dreams, like being professional Marine Biologists, or something - because in that case Zooey and I would be mad supportive 'cause we're just pretty cool like that. And we'd just be as happy as clams for 4-eva and eva. Or something like that. And I might just do that anyways, if this whole copywriting thing doesn't pan out. I love you.

Hey! Give me my privacy back, bro...

I'm about to fuck you up with some truth. Nobody gives a shit about you. Sorry, it's sad but true. Nobody cares that your favorite quote is some dumb shit from Anchorman. Guess what else? Nobody cares that you thought Tropic Thunder was effin' hillarious. P.S. That movie is not funny. It's fucking stupid. I know what you're thinking, but Tom Cruise was like all fat and dancing and stuff. Nope. Still dumb. Guess what else? Nobody gives a shit that you totally adore scrap booking. You listen to The Novemberists. Sweet. Nobody cares. You went to Cancun for Spring break and did some beer bongs? Awesome. You just became a fan of Goose Shits? Uh, ok. Titties. You found an abandoned penguin? Fuck yer face. Nobody cares.

You know who really doesn't care? Mark Zuckerberg. You know why? Because he's a 25 year-old bro that is worth 4 billion dollars. You know what Mark Zuckerberg is doing right now? A line of coke off of some super hot stripper's labia. You know what he's going to do after that? He's going to take a huge bong ripper out of his diamond encrusted golden bong. Know what he's gonna do after that? He's going to invite over some supermodels for a gang bang, and Hot Carl 'em when they crash out on his Siberian Tiger skin rug just 'cause he fuckin' can and he thinks that shit is hilarious. He's worth 4 fucking billion dollars. He can do whatever he wants, and I can assure you he's not creeping on your stupid Facebook messages about the frat party you got drunk at and blew 4 bros. Don't worry - nobody's ever going to know. Well, except Jesus. Well, and maybe Santa Clause. He knows fucking everything. Fat prick. Matter of fact, that's who we need to be worrying about. Fucking creeper Clause. He's probably sitting on the toilet right now rubbing one out while he's watching you sitting on the toilet rubbing one out while you're reading my dumb blog. Sick, sick fucks. Both of you.

What's the big conspiracy theory anyways? Facebook is going to sell everybody's super interesting profile info to marketers/advertisers. Guess what? I'm an advertiser guy, and I don't give a shit that you heart Glee and have yer girlfriends over every Tuesday and pop popcorn in yer p.j.'s and giggle yer titties off 'cause it's like the hottest shit on television.

It's all entirely laughable, and you know what? What if Facebook does give up everybody's info to some 3rd Party shitbirds? What can they do with this garbage? There are 500 million people on Facebook. 500 fucking million. You couldn't possibly be more anonymous than 1 in 500,000,000. 8 zeros kids. Fuckin' 8 of 'em.

Don't be a dumb shit. Don't put yer Social Security number on your Facebook and you'll be straight. I promise you. Hope you can sleep at night now. If not, come on over and we can build a blanket fort and have a tickle fight. Maybe mom will make us some hot chocolates. The kind with the darling little marshmallows. Mmmm. Tasty. Mallows.

Peace. Love. And Seahorses 4 mutha lickin' eva!!!

Sorry for all the eff bombs, ma.

Love you.

Axe: Smell my finger

This ad is pretty funny - be it in a 10th grade, oh my god a girl actually let me touch her in the baby maker kinda way, which I can appreciate. Although, I can't believe it actually got made. Seems like an idea that would get many laughs upon presentation, but ultimately shot down. Those BBH kids are some fucking cowboys.

Droppin' Knowledge

My life is cutting onions, making dinner, music playing, a bottle of wine on the counter. A beautiful woman to my side. Sell me a better mousetrap. Sell me sliced bread. Show me a better lifestyle. Sell me a better lifestyle and you've sold me on love. Give me something that can make my experience better than it is and I'll probably buy from you. Inspire me. Show me how it will be better. How it can be better. Share. Tell the story you want me to hear for your brand.

*Received these beautiful words of wisdom this morning from my main man Craig Armstrong. He's really smart. And handsome. And radical, and stuff. Love you Craig.

Pretty, pretty, pretty good. . .

Feelin' these Virgin Atlantic Ads. Not that I'll ever be able to fly first-class because, let's face it, I'm just trailer trash in new shoes, but I can almost relate to these hapless upper class fellows. Sad.

The Making of The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Pretty cool little breakdown of the making of Old Spice's The Man Your Man Could Smell Like with Wieden+Kennedy's very own Eric Kallman and Craig Allen. These dudes are brilliant. Check it out:

NIke: Human Chain

Feelin' this commercial. This is what sports is all about. Fighting through the pain, the exhaustion, the little voice in your head telling you that you're gassed--to give-up and charging through anyways. It's true of life, as well. Kinda like that sweet Chumbawamba song, and stuff.

There is not an agency around that does finer work than those Wieden+Kennedy kids, period. Everything those folks do hits the sweet spot, well, except for those Coke Superbowl spots--those were fucking terrible. Sorry.

Check it out:

Human Chain from NikeSportswear on Vimeo.

Update: Life in Utah. Doin' work...

If you've been wondering, What the eff is Jake doing down there in God forsaken fucking Utah?

Well, I'm gonna drop some knowledge on ya cause I like you and I think you're pretty/handsome, and stuff.

I've been eating a fuck load of Top Ramen, reading a bunch, snowboarding more than you, and pleasuring myself pretty frequently, to name a few. I also cry myself to sleep most nights because my lady kicked me to the curb, BUT I've been doing a little work here and there as well. Such is the life of a copywriter trying to come up.

I almost thought the day would never come, but I'm now getting paid to write, and write I do. I can tell you right meow that it beats the hell out of working in a saw mill or pounding nails! I'm currently the go to guy for all of the ODAT (One Deal at a Time) ad copywriting duties here at Backcountry.com. Six sites folks:

-WhiskeyMilitia.com

-Brociety.com

-SteepandCheap.com

-Tramdock.com

-ChainLove.com

-Bonktown.com

It's not exactly what I dreamed I would be doing coming out of school, but it's pretty rad, and I'm learning a lot about fancy interweb stuff that I was previously not schooled on. The more you know, right? I have my work cut out for me, but I'm trying. I've had a great deal of help from a handful of really smart kids, and I'm learning a lot thanks to their efforts. On the writing front those people are Jason Whitehouse, Rob de Luca and Jeb Admire--all of whom are super talented and fantastic writers. They've been really helpful in aiding the progression of my voice on all of the different sites I'm working on. I've also worked with a handful of amazing designers who will get their props here in a sec.

Here are some of the emails I have worked on as of late:

AD: Liz Kuz

AD: Liz Kuz

AD: Liz Kuz

AD: Dave Gibson

AD: Maggie Gilkey

Love you.

Diesel: Be Stupid...

Haven't had an advertising post in awhile, so here ya go. Loved SWF XXX, and I'm digging this too. Not sure who does Diesel's stuff, but it's on point. Kinda feel like this is a spin-off of Wieden's "Fail Harder" credo, but good nonetheless. Check it out, and don't forget to be stupid and stuff. Hella.

I love you.

Fiesta, Fiesta. . .

Ken Block has left Subaru and will now be pushin' a Ford Fiesta. Yeah. Whoever made this happen deserves a fucking raise. A big one. This is a HUGE step in the right direction for Ford. Ford will sell more Fiestas this year. FACT. I expect a new Gymkhana vid will be droppin' soon. If they're smart they'll drop a teaser during the Super Bowl. Peep the new whip. Pretty dope.

Although, Hitler's not too pumped about his move. Oh well, fuck Hitler.

Emerald City Roller Girls: Inaugural Brawl

Hooray for the roller derby! Oh yeah, it's that time of year again, folks. The skates have been dusted off, the fishnets have come out of the closet and the ladies of the Emerald City are once again ready to put on the sexiest, fastest and most brutal show on 8 wheels.

This bout will put last seasons undefeated league champs The Andromedolls against the young and hungry Church of Sk8in in a match that is sure to please. Also on the docket is the always exciting Flat Track Furies, who after losing last years championship bout in overtime, have something to prove. Look for them to be skating as amazing as ever against the Bad Reputations of the Terminal City.

As usual, the Ninkasi will be on tap and delicious as ever. The tunes will be cranked to fuckin' 10! And the ladies, oh the ladies. That's all I'm gonna say. Be there or be square, and stuff.

Get your tickets here: Brown Paper Tickets.

And if you have yet to join the Sirious Smack Fan Club, what the eff are you waiting for? Check it out: Sirious Smack Fan Club. She's totally effin rad.

Love you.

Heineken: Fuck It & Guinness: Share with a Friend

Some real solid student and consumer generated content here folks. A little racy at points and possibly even a tad tasteless, but I love that shit so here it is. Enjoy. Heineken: Fuck It
Re: Heineken: Fuck It Heineken: Blowjob Guinness: Share with a Friend

Nike: The Next Level

72andSunny is blowing my fucking mind right now. Nothing but great work coming out of that place. The Discovery Channel commercial a couple weeks back, and now this. Brilliant.

la comunidad for Buenos Aires Independent Film Festival: "Tom Sellecks"

Good. Very good.

God bless your brand

Peeped this on adfreak this morning and I nearly peed in my pants. Please check out the website. Your clicks will be rewarded with a free ticket to heaven, probably.

Never lay up

Just peeped this Top Flight commercial on YouTube. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. This dudes dance moves are off da hinges! I'm not kidding. I will perfect those steps and be takin'em to the club fa sho! Reminded me a bit of the Tea Partay video, but I enjoyed it anyways. I really hope you like it as well. I love you.

Wieden+Kennedy

Took a little field trip with my classmates to Wieden+Kennedy yesterday. If you don't know who Wieden is, they are one of the most respected ad agencies in the world with a reputation for amazing creative. They also recieved "Global Agency of the Year" last year. Think Nike. Yeah, that was them. It was totally frickin' awesome. I want to work there bad!!! We share the same philosophy, so that's a plus (see picture). Thanks for having us Wieden+Kennedy. I love you.

Wieden is so hot right now.

"The world of yesterfar. . . and gentlemen wore monocles."

Good, good stuff.

It's right for everyone idiot

Required Viewing: Really diggin' Wieden+Kennedy's new Old Spice stuff. Check it out. Or else.

Great use of music in a commercial

If you have seen this commercial, you have probably been wondering, "Who is making this amazing music?"

Well, I'm gonna tell ya, cause I like you. It is the Kings of Leon and the song is "Red Morning Light".

I have a man crush on these dudes and I don't care who knows it. They are pretty much the dopest ish ever.

I need a Whopper like Britney Spears needs some panties!

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

The Chef

Not a lot of things shock me anymore, especially after 2 girls 1 cup (if you haven't seen it, DO NOT watch it, seriously), but I found this commercial quite disturbing actually. I fear that this may bring back some old Wendy's flashbacks. Yes, I flipped burgers at Wendy's for a short while in high school, but that is another story all together. . . Okay, okay, long story short. Had a big food fight with the other employees after closing and trashed the boss' car with tomatoes and mustard. I was fired the next day.

Anyways, back to the video. I have to admit my initial reaction was laughter--uncontrollable, almost peed my pants laughter actually, but then I just felt kind of sick and maybe even a little sad. Not sad like someone actually died or something, but more like when you see a baby cough.

I hate it. I don't know what else to say. I'm speechless.