Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce...

Today I sent my stuff off to Goodby, which triggered a response email which asked:

If you had an opportunity to create/start whatever you wanted and were given 1 million dollars and 6 months what would this thing be and how would you go about making it happen?

This is what came out. Pretty sure they'll think I'm a lunatic, but it was pretty fun.

I'd buy a little farm. I'd grow hella tasty veggies, like tomatoes and onions and habaneros and cilantro and garlic, and other secret ingredients that aren't really any of your business. And with those veggies I'd make the greatest salsa the world has ever tasted. Ever. And I would call it "Jake's Super Awesome Sauce." Or, "Jake's Hella Awesome Sauce." Or something like that. Hella. I probably need to work on the name. I'd bottle it up proper, and sell it from my salsa truck, to start. It would be just like an ice cream truck, but it would play something spicy and awesome - just like my salsa. It would probably play salsa music, in fact, but like salsa music remixed by Tiesto 'cause even his name sounds pretty spicy. And the kids would all come a runnin' when they heard it and I would sell 'em the salsas, which would come with free high-5's. They'd call me Papa Jacobeo. And I'd grow a big, majestic mustache just like Jason Schwartzman's in the Darjeeling Limited. And then I'd figure out a way to put it on a stick, the salsa, not the stache, because everybody's always getting super stoked on stuff that comes on sticks. It wouldn't be long before I had the entire salsa market cornered. And I'd have like 7 or 8 salsa trucks or something. And even Pace Picante Sauce wouldn't know what hit 'em, and they'd be all like, "Mother fucker!" 'Cause my sauce was sooo much better than theirs. And then with my profits I would build a super bitchin' tree house, and live in it for the rest of my days with my wife, Zooey Deschanel, whom I would seduce with my super awesome sauce and mustache. Duh. And then we would have bunches of babies to help make the salsas and drive the trucks, and stuff. Unless, of course, they wanted to pursue their own dreams, like being professional Marine Biologists, or something - because in that case Zooey and I would be mad supportive 'cause we're just pretty cool like that. And we'd just be as happy as clams for 4-eva and eva. Or something like that. And I might just do that anyways, if this whole copywriting thing doesn't pan out. I love you.

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[J Nasty-F]

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[vibram five fingers]

super stoked on stuff that comes on sticks

[vibram five fingers]

we would have bunches of babies to help make the salsas and drive the trucks, and stuff.