The Kjaorn Supremacy

WhiskeyMilitia.com has a new face

This morning this got sent out to everybody who has ever bought something from WhiskeyMilitia.com.

Yeah, that's me. Ha. Pretty pumped.
Check out their YouTube channel here.
Peace to the Gods and the Earths.

Skatesaphrenia, how many of us have it?

Listen up kids!

May 9th, the Emerald City's very own Skatesaphrenics will be taking on Lava City's Smokin' Ashes. These are these respective league's all-star squads. This ish is gonna be hot, hot, hot.

Last year the Skatesaphrenics traveled to Bend and gave Bend a serious spanking in their own building. They will be looking to return the favor.

Not sure if I'll be reffing this one yet, but I'll be in the building fa sho--Yeah, I got that Skatesaphrenia. Get you some.

NORTHERN FIGHTS

Bout this Saturday at the fairgrounds.

You know the deal: PBR tall cans, chicks in short skirts, sweet tunes, and etc. . .

I'm gonna be rockin' the stripes, as usual. Gettin' it done. Keepin' the ladies in line. Ya know.

I do believe the tattoo convention is gonna be poppin' off down there as well. Oh yes, the freaks will be out on Saturday.

Come down. Get some ink done. Watch some roller derby! Do it. Do it.

For the spank bank. . .

Skaters for Eugene Skateparks

Some good folks are trying to raise some funds in order to get a skate park built under the Washington/Jefferson bridge. This park would give the kids of Eugene a great place to skate, especially in the rainy months, which as we know are abundant in Eugene.

Rumor has it that an area would also be built for the roller girls to do there thing, which would be great as well.

Donate if you can, and help spread the word. Do it for the kids.

Be Mine?

Or I'll judo chop you right in the tits. Yep, right in the ol' fun bags. Uh. . . PLEASE! I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day kids.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye. . .

it's time for some mutha effin' roller derby. Ahhhh yeah, ahhhh yeah!!!

That's right kids, my beloved Emerald City Roller Girls will be kickin' off their 2009 derby season here in about a month--February 21 to be exact, so get those tickets NOW dummies!!! Only 800 tickets will be available for this bout, so you best get 'em quick!

As usual, I'll be in the house. Rockin' the stripes. Blowin' whistles. Keepin' the ladies in line, or trying anyways. Gettin' it done.

The PBR is gonna be flowin'! The ladies are gonna be lookin' hot! A portion of the proceeds will go to support the Sexual Assault Services of Lane County. That's right, you can drink beer, peep some awesome roller derby action, and support a great charity at the same time. It's a beautiful thing. Do it. Do it.

iPhone parody

About a year ago I was messing around and wrote up a little iPhone parody ad for shits, and speaking of shits--that's exactly what the commercial is about--how amazing the iPhone is in the bathroom. Amazing segue, right? Yeah, I know. Anyways, when I wrote this I really had no idea how spot-on I was because at the time I did not actually have an iPhone, and nobody would let me take their precious iPhone into the bathroom with me. Greedy fuckers. Well, I do have an iPhone now, and I can tell you that I was absolutely right.

Here it is:

(sfx & video) Open with classic iPhone music and screen of phone prominently displayed. Pan out just enough to make it obvious that the iPhone user is on the toilet. User is checking email, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

(V.O.) iPhone changed the business landscape, but it also changed the way people do their business. Check and send email while you shit. Check your Facebook while you shit. What are you doing? Yes indeedy, update your Twitter on the shitter--That's right, tweet while you drop heat. Constipated? Turn on your power song (user switches over to iPod function and selects "Triumph" by the Wu-Tang Clan which begins to play) and squeeze out that burrito baby.

(sfx) Loud flatulence and a turd hitting water followed by iPhone user making noises of ecstasy.

(V.O.) iPhone--it's the shit.

The Apocalype!!!

So with recent declines in the stock market and the success of "Hollywood Chihuahua" at the box office many prophets, or late night television hosts rather, have been talking about an imminent apocalypse on the horizon. So I, being the hustler that I am, ask--how can a brother get ahead in this crazy, crumbling world? The answer was malt liquor. Yes, malt liquor.

When your 401k drops 50% what do you do? When you lose your house, what do you do? and etc. . . I'll tell you what you do--you drink malt liquor.

Oh yes, expect to see blue chip malt liquor brands such as Old English, St. Ides, and Schlitz to rake in unprecedented profits in the coming months. Invest now folks. You heard it here first.

Threw this little print ad together with this thought in mind. Mind you, it took five minutes so don't dare talk shit about my lazy art direction. I'm a CW anyways, give me a break.


*I will not assume any responsibility for your poor investments choices. Come on folks, this is Jake here, I'm a shit talker.*

Diesel: SWF XXX

I know I've been slackin' a bit kids, but I'm a busy boy. Please forgive me. In an attempt to redeem myself I have for your viewing pleasure quite possibly the best commercial ever made. Oh yes. You just wait and see. This thing has One Show Gold written all over it. Enjoy. Love you.

Too Cruel for School

Saturday September 20th @ the fairgrounds. That's right kids. The lovely & talented Emerald City Roller Girls are going to be back in action, and this ish is going to be CRAZY!!! A round robin tournament for league supremacy. Will the Church continue their league play dominance? Will the Furies reclaim their position as the queens of the ECRG? Or will the Dolls assert themselves as the cream of the crop? I'm not really sure what is going to happen, but I'm mos' definitely gonna be in the house for this one. The entertainment will be epic as usual, and the PBR will be flowing like the Willamette in January. Good times will be had by all. Hope to see you there. I love you.

It's Sonic Good

I love Sonic commercials. Love 'em, love 'em, love 'em. They're my absolute fav. Because of these great commercials Sonic is my favorite restaurant and I've never even been there. I never knew who was making these commercials and was always a little curious, so I went ahead and did a little research this morning. The agency is Barkley out of Kansas City. Check 'em out. They're doing some really good work. I would totally work there if I didn't despise KC. Here is a compilation of Sonic commercials I found on YouTube. Really good stuff.

Drunk History

Okay, okay. . . So I got this idea. We get faded and then you tell me about a historical event. BRILLIANT! How do they come up with this stuff. Crazy kids. Just peeped these suckers on YouTube. Pretty funny.

Heineken: Fuck It & Guinness: Share with a Friend

Some real solid student and consumer generated content here folks. A little racy at points and possibly even a tad tasteless, but I love that shit so here it is. Enjoy. Heineken: Fuck It
Re: Heineken: Fuck It Heineken: Blowjob Guinness: Share with a Friend

The Truth

This just in: Aaron Draplin of the DDC is going to be staring in a documentary. Oh yes, this thing is going to be an absolute must see.

Check out the trailer here: "The Draplin Thing"

I fucking love this guy's stuff. Real pumped.

Silly Hipsters

Peeped this video on Mr. Rob Heppler's blog iLovePrison. Pretty legit--check it out.

The majestic McKenzie

Headed over to the McKenzie for a little trout fishin' today. Hooked into a whole bunch of those suckers. A good time was had. Here are some pictures of the adventure for your viewing pleasure.

*Fish were harmed in the making of this blog. Sorry. Mom said they sure tasted good though*

7 in the morning and not too pumped yet.

Okay, now I'm gettin' happy.

This beauty put the ultra-light to the test.

NES Contra in 1 life

Played a lot of this game as a youngster, but never achieved quite this much skill. I guess I was a slacker cause I always went for the 30 guy cheat (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start or select start for multi-player; for all yall that don't know).

The lesson for the day: With enough determination, some skill, and a little luck--anything can be achieved--yes, even Contra in one life.

Who loves ya? Jake does.

Fuck the Man

I've about had it with the man. In the last two days I have spent a very significant amount of time at the DMV trying to get my license renewed, as it is set to expire on Saturday. Unfortunately, because I have been unable to produce the 75 different forms of identification to prove that I am indeed a US citizen, they have been unable to grant me the renewal that I so desire. I am now on the verge of a mental collapse. I don't know what it is--that place just takes it out of me.

Lets get real, it is pretty obvious that I'm not from Mexico. I have no where near the melanin content to handle such a harsh environment. Look at me, I'm fucking milky. What else do you need? It's pretty obvious that I'm not from Canada either. I have way too much style, grace, and teeth to be one of our brothers from the north. Come on!

I don't even care that I will be driving with an expired license, cause apparently the fucker has been suspended for about a year anyways. Oops. Don't worry cops don't pull over yellow 1987 Volvos. What I am concerned about is the fact that I will not be able to get my malt liquor fix. Oh that sweet, sweet elixir. I'm going to go cry now.

Fuck Shakespeare

Last fall I took a class called Creativity & Content. This class was set-up in order to help us kids learn to produce work. You name it: Flash, Final Cut, etc. For our first assignment we were asked to produce a video that worked to visually compliment a poem. We were put into groups and told to get at it. I had some ideas, but my group wasn't feelin' em at all. I wanted to write our own poem, or do an interpretive dance, or both--just something completely fuckin' ridiculous cause I had a feeling that nobody else was going to push the envelope so to speak. I actually ended up being pretty impressed with what some of the other kids did; however, I wasn't real pumped about my own group's execution, but I'm gonna show it to ya anyways. Here it is:

Decent for a couple amateurs I guess, but not all that entertaining. I wanted to show those fuckers my vision, so after class I went home and put this little video together, which isn't very good either, but I did it in like an hour all by my lonesome. I didn't end up showing it to the class because I was embarrassed, but I'm gonna show it to ya now, so without further ado. . .

What's the moral of the story? I don't know. Do your thing, regardless of what the hippies want to do. Hippies are stupid. Don't listen to them or you'll end up a pot head with a stupid haircut. Or maybe it is snakes will bite you in the face, so don't mess with those fuckers. I don't have all the answers. I'm an idiot.

Happy Birthday. . .

America. Proud of you.
Happy B-Day Al Davis.

Be Careful kids.

Spotted on Applewood Lane

I'm pretty sure I just saw Dog the Bounty Hunter rolling down my block. That's right, just rollin' down Applewood like it was no thang. My fingers are a shakin' boy. I can hardly bang out this post. Dude's mullet was lookin' legit.  Tried to chase him down for an autograph, but he split. Dude is quick. I guess barking at him was the wrong approach. Oops. Must be in town for the Olympic trials. Keep your eyes peeled folks.

Kyle DuClos

In 6th grade I met a little ginger kid named Kyle. He was a dirty little fucker, but a good kid nonetheless. A rowdy little fucker too. That kid didn't fear anything. He was always the first one to jump off the bridge--so to speak. I was never far behind.

I had just moved here from California following my parents divorce, which was probably the most difficult period of my life. I was in need of some good friends. Kyle quickly became one of them. He was like a brother really. I spent almost as much time at his house as at my own. The DuClos' became like a second family to me.

Throughout middle school me, Kyle, and our other homeboy Jon became a constant. Thick as thieves boy. We became infamous around school. One of our teachers dubbed our squad the "Flea Patrol" because we were always runnin' around and bouncing off the walls.

We were always quite a handful, but didn't really start getting too bad until the wanning months of 8th grade year when we realized that we could pretty much get away with anything. We started skipping class daily and catching the bus downtown to buy weed, cigs, and skate. The next couple of years played out like that movie Kids, minus all the AIDS of course. Lots of drinkin', lots of smokin', lots of trouble.

It was in these years that Kyle started getting extra bonkers. He always talked about how he was going to die young. I always brushed it off because it just seemed so stupid at the time. Still does. About a year out of high school Kyle killed himself. He dressed up in a suit and blasted himself in the chest with one of his pop's rifles. When I first got the news I was not that surprised actually. I'm still not. That was about 9 years ago now. I still think about that little fucker constantly. I really wish I could have helped that kid. I still can't get over how fucking senseless this act was. I'm not sure that anybody could have done anthing to intervene, but you can't help but wonder.

Just about every Sunday morning I wake up and check out PostSecret. This Sunday I was greeted with this video:

Seems like a pretty good organization. If you can help, do.

You know I'm still tippin' 40s for ya on a regular bro. Rest in peace.

The Track Town Smackdown

If your idea of a good time includes listening to earsplitting punk rock music, sippin' on PBRs, and watching scantily clad women pummel each other--well, you better get them tickets quick kid cause they're flying off the shelf like Tickle Me Elmos in '96. You know what I'm talkin' bout.

Also, this is probably going to be the last time to see me getting it done in the stripes. That's right, I'm hangin'em up for awhile. Time to get a job. FUCK. Anyways, come on out. It's gonna be good. Real good. Trust.

Oh no!

These shits is soo beautiful they make my fuckin' eyes hurt.

Peep more pics at: "In4mation"